TouchMacaque

My name used to be Rachel but they made it illegal in my country after the Friends finale so I had to change it to Dave. It doesn’t really suit me but it’s nice whenever I introduce myself people are like “wow. Dave, that’s such a unique name”. I’ve only ever met one other Dave in my life and he was a total loser like me so we hit it off pretty well and got married 6 days ago at a Asian grocery store in The Dominican Republic.

I hope I meet another Dave one day so I can marry him too. I’ve considered changing my name back to Rachel since it doesn’t seem to be illegal anymore but you know that name just doesn’t suit me as well as Dave.

Not necessarily, have you ever tried to eat a fleshlight? Doesn’t work. Have you ever tried to eat a rotisserie chicken? Delicious. Who cares if it’s filled with the cum of my past 6 ejaculations. Plus you can make some tasty broth with the bones after.

Oh and one more thing, why is a rotisserie chicken ten dollars at the grocery store but the raw uncooked ones are like 14 dollars? Is the discount because I’ve already ejaculated into it 6 times before I even bought it? What a deal!

The baby Sun from Teletubbies all grown up. I bet he likes to drink several beers while giving people sunburns and sings songs to his friends about giving humans skin cancer. Susan probably won’t like me saying this but fuck the sun.

Give me six cigarettes, a can of soup and Limp Bizkit’s discography on repeat and I’ll give you the best screen play you’ve ever read.

My nephews mom sent me one of these on Facebook once and I absolutely lost it because it was the same day that my coworker invited us all for a game of “five beers of defiance” but when we got there she roped us into a game of Russian roulette, except instead of a gun it was a beaker of piss.

She said some guy named Tom was kind enough to provide it and assured us that it was not in fact Tom from MySpace but rather a completely different person named Tom(who knew it was such a common name?).

Anyway we’re all stuck there and the next bus doesn’t come for 3 and a half more hours so we decide we’ll play. Well this coworker failed to tell everyone that she has this disgusting pet turtle who likes to lick the laminate flooring in her living room so everyone’s all pretty disgusted at this point and not really feeling the game of piss beaker roulette. We all wish her a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday and go wait out in the rain for the bus. Longest 3 and a half hours of my life and when the bus finally arrived the driver’s mom who was sitting in the passenger seat gave us shit for being soaking wet.

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Of course, who doesn’t want their air supply cut off on a far away planet

You know I used to think ai was pretty cool because I read a lot of sci-fi and in most sci-fi ai is a very useful tool but now that I’ve been living in reality for a good 2 years I’ve noticed that maybe this ai just isn’t very nice. It’s like that time I meet weird ai Yankovic and thought it was the real Weird Al but all he did was regurgitate edgy talking points and send me videos of giant boobed women dancing.

Needless to say, Bob Barker was pretty cool.

It was in Burkina Faso but I don’t think it ever aired in the United States. If you use a VPN you should still be able to catch it

Which ones though? Acetaminophen? Caffeine? Carbon monoxide?

I used to be friends with that bird but he kept going on and on about his opinions on TV shows. Like the family guy/Pinky and the brain crossover episode where Brain and Brian swap places and Brian gets drunk and tries to put lipstick on pinky but the lipstick is his dong. That goddamn bird was convinced that Seth MacFarlane and Steven Spielberg deserved to be charged under archaic obscenity laws for that one. I mean it’s probably the dumbest goddamn episode of TV I’ve ever seen but let’s not bring back 1950s broadcast standards over it.

Honestly she probably just wanted to make you feel better because you can’t make her knobroll snacks.

Next time just tell her to go pick carrots to sell at the local farmers market. It’s probably a better use of her time anyway.

If you’re uncircumcised you can try a variation of this where you put peanut butter on your knob and then jam on your shaft then when you pull your foreskin over it you’ve got yourself a pb&j eggroll. If you’re circumcised then I’d suggest some foreskin regeneration therapy so you can try making pb&j shlongrolls in a few years. No one should miss out.

Probably. I should probably get back to work.

My sister’s nephew was a copilot in Croatia 52 years ago and if he were still alive he’d be pretty upset that Microsoft gave his job title to a bunch of goddamn 1s and 0s.

My Belgian step-neighbor did this in Cameroon once and everyone was so mad, they wrote instrumental songs about him for years. They were the most beautiful songs in the world, unfortunately they were lost to time and I never got to hear them.

My uncle’s dead pastor’s name was Jack and he used to light candles for the fish in the tanks outside of Don Quihote in Akihabara for Easter while crowds clapped and sang Beatles songs to him

My cousin’s great aunt used to suck the lead out of duplo blocks before riding her bike and pedaling so fast that she thought she was riding a motorcycle and would pull over on the side of the road to throw up until a police officer came and gave her free lunch for 6 years at an Applebee’s down on Elmo Street but they closed down after 2 years so she felt pretty ripped off.