I think this weird anti-self-checkout crowd is just young people who don’t remember the times before self-checkouts.

What crowd? As far as I can see, the article is talking about retailers who want to do this, not customers.

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You would do too, if it happened to you

Is the joke here that you did not cry where the packet instructed you to cry?

But they’d couch it

Hey, sorry, is that some J.D. Vance thing that I’m too sofa-pilled to understand?