Fetlife isn’t a dating site. Sure, you can try using it like one. Just like you could try using Facebook like one. Or Lemmy. But just because it’s sex positive doesn’t mean it is for hookups. Like you noticed they are deliberately limiting people’s ability to use it like a dating site.
Dating sites (especially the fetish ones) attract creeps and bots and Fetlife already has plenty of those. Managing it like a dating site would just make that so much worse.
If you are desperate to meet someone go to the events listed in your area. But again, if you go there with the intention of immediately hooking up you’re going to be severely disappointed.
If you want to be derogatory towards Fetlife call it a porn site. Because that is the main reason people pay for it. To get access to videos.
There did exist some scrapers but they are fighting to keep those off the site. The first hurdle is that you need an account with a phone number to see anything on there. Makes it easier to ban anyone caught scraping or trying to do other shady shit.